On Women and Sensuality

Cosmic KissingThe other day, I was reading the blog of an Internet friend, Nicole Daedone.  She’d written a very insightful and personal post entitled “On Fucking,” and it inspired me to write my own personalized thoughts on the matter.   Then I began to realize that I have a lot more to talk about here than just fucking.  I thought, “I want to talk about all of sex, and how a man might approach, entice, open and truly give the best of himself to a woman sexually.”  On further thought, I realized, “what I have to say is not really about sex, but about sensation, sensuality, and building a powerful and lasting connection.”

So, this will be the first post in a series on opening women to pleasure and sensuality.  This series will be directed at men, but hopefully women will get something out of it too.  At the very least, I hope this post will be something that, when women read it, they’ll resonate with and send to the men in their lives.

There’s probably only going to be a single major theme running though this with regards to advice for women.  That is: Communicate this stuff with the man in your life.  We men are not (much as so many women seem to want us to be) mind readers.

What I’m going to write here is not the kind of thing you can get from a book, believe me.  I’ve read a huge stack of books about sex, women, and spiritual sex, but all the “techniques” in the world don’t amount to a hill of beans in comparison with the feedback of real, live women who love a man enough to give him the truth.  I learned from women in my life who were bold enough, strong enough, open enough, and authentic enough to share it with me.  I learned it through the feedback of lovers and friends.  Some I learned from men, yes.

Please listen to me, ladies: probably 3/4 of the stuff contained in this series I learned from women who had the guts to say it directly to me, either as outright criticism or as loving suggestion.  I encourage you to be one of those women.  The odds of you getting the kind of sensual connection I’m about to describe in this series will be remote unless you’re willing to bridge this gap with the men who interest you enough to be invited into your bed.  For it to happen for you without expressing it directly to him will require that he has already been exposed to it, and simply put: that’s less than 10% of the male population, probably something more like 2%.  I repeat, ladies: if you want this kind of connection, you need to be responsible for making it happen.

I’ll let you know up front that this will be a very personalized series.  I’m going to be talking about specific encounters with specific women that really happened.  Sometimes I might take some liberties, and blur the lines between three separate experiences to make a better story, but I promise you that whenever I’m writing about something personal, it will be the absolute truth about a real encounter, not some made-up story.  That will be interspersed with bits of advice, analysis or explanation.  Those added bits are just to make sure I get my point across.  If you look at the stories themselves, everything you need to know is in them.   Only the names have been changed….

As a final preface, I’ll tell you the main point I’ll be getting at in this series.  You might think that porn-star-sex is the ultimate fun in bed.  You might really get off on some hard pounding, thrusting, passionate deep French kissing, etc.  I get that.  I understand why it is fun for you.  I’ve been there, and it was fun for me, too.  This series, however, will be my attempt to break you of those habits, or at least cause you to revise them in major ways.  I’ll be attempting to teach you a better, deeper, more powerful way to connect.  I’ll be trying to show you how your sex life can be richer, more intense, with earth-shattering orgasms for both you and her, that will leave the two of you drenched in love juices, minds and hearts blown wide open, spent but still ready for more.  I’ll be giving you the ultimate secret: how to sensually give your love to a woman in a way that has her always coming back for more, always wanting more of you, and never dreaming of any man but you.

Sound like a tall order?  It is, and it isn’t.  It just requires you building and maintaining a different kind of connection with your own sexual self, and with her mind, body, and emotions.  It is simple, but it is not easy, and anyone can learn this.

Part 1: On Kissing

I remember one woman, Sophia, and I were at a gathering of tantric and emotional release folks, and I was eye-flirting with her from across the room. She came over to the massage chair I was presently riding, and she sat in my lap. I touched her hip (fully clothed) ever so lightly, and looked into her eyes with an equally light gaze. We kissed, again, ever so lightly, as light as humanly possible.

We continued kissing as lightly as humanly possible. Tongues and lips were both involved, but there was no pressure or hunger. It was light, dancing, barely touching, like feathers. And then we were pulling away and eye gazing, more light kissing.

Then, Sophia began to open. I could feel it in the way she kissed me back, in the way her hand (on my shoulder, which had been still) suddenly began to move, ever so slightly. When it did, my hand (which had been resting on her hip) began to move, as lightly as possible, slowly and gently, down to her knee and back to her waist.

And she opened more. I could tell because the pressure of her kiss increased by the tiniest, almost imperceptible amount, and her tongue began to penetrate another millimeter into my mouth.

She began to increase her pressure, her intensity, her passion, ever so slightly; so too mine increased to meet her in the dance of tongues and mouths. The dance is the whole thing…but in this dance nobody leads, and nobody is lead. It is a dancing into the opening she creates. As Sophia opened further and deeper, our paces quickened, and then….

My body wanted to stop, and I pulled back and just looked deeply into her eyes. And she looked back, and said, “WOW!”

My hand slowly moved from her waist along her thigh to her knee, the whole palm at first, but only the fingertips by the time I reached her knee, like a feather, while still gazing into her eyes, and she came toward me for another kiss….

And another kissing encounter….

Angelica and I had been friends, and sometimes lovers, for a few years.  Somehow, we’d connected on and off, in a sensual way, but never become full-on lovers.

We were together this evening, sharing about our lives, our intentions, our desires, and she shared with me that she’d like this evening’s encounter to become more intimate.  I shared with her that I felt the same….

We kissed once, and then I said these words to her: “I’m going to be totally passive.  I want to you to kiss me the way that you most want to be kissed.  Kiss me the way you desire it.”

Our mouths met, and she began to kiss, lightly at first, just lips brushing each other.  Next, her tongue began lightly brushing my lips, slowly, gently touching my mouth and then entering ever so slightly.  She kissed me, and a passion rose in me like seldom before (only with the most passionate of chemical connections) suddenly deeply, and then teasing back to the original lightness.  And then, her mouth became fluid, her tongue like a snake, her passionate mouth like a flower blooming open at that hyper-extended speed shown in time-lapse photography.

She drew back, and I said, “let me see if I got that right,” and I kissed her back, mimicking her dance of tongues, and she signaled her desire by biting my lower lip slightly and letting out a subtle moan of pleasure.  Then Angelica drew back for only a second to utter the word, “yes,” and our continued kiss deepened with increasing passion, her hands exploring my chest, and mine wandering over her breast with the lightest of pressure, feeling her nipple beneath my palm, but not squeezing or grabbing even in the slightest.

“Wow!” she spoke as we drew back and gazed at each other.

This is the secret, men.  Go with the flow.  Follow her lead.  Wait for her to move forward before you gain ground.  Never be the one to move first.  Allow her to tease out of you the desire for more.  Her signals are sweet, gentle, barely felt and only subtly noticed.

Her timing is perfection.  You can feel her opening to invite you in.  It is all there in the subtle non-verbal messages she sends with her movements of hands, of tongue, of lips and mouth.

There is no goal.  There is no place to get to.  There are only you and her meeting in a dance of mouths and tongues and hands.  Have the patience to detect each opening.  When she moves her hand first, this is your signal to move yours.  When she deepens the kiss with her tongue, this is your signal to deepen with yours.  When she accelerates her passion to the next level, this is your signal to step on your own accelerator, and take the kiss to the next level.

If you go first, you may (or may not) meet with resistance.  If you simply jump to the next step without first awaiting her signal, you may find her disconnected and losing your pace.  The unfolding of passion is her lead, and it is your position to follow that lead by increasing and then backing away, waiting for what is next.

Always remember to back off from each peak, to gaze at her, directly into her eyes, so that she sees your connection to all of her.

Your insistence and persistence to reach the next level will likely meet her resistance.

Your teasing and backing off before the next level will likely meet her passion.

This is the secret of the most passionate kiss you’ll ever experience.  It is not had by leading this dance, but by following her subtle, barely noticeable cues; by stepping into the opening she creates for you to meet her.

If you don’t know how to do that, do as I did, and have done many times.  Say to her, “I’m going to be totally passive (and you must really do this for it to work), and I want you to kiss me the way you’ve always wanted to be kissed.”  Trust me.  She will gladly, passionately, and completely give you the road map to her passion.  You simply must give her the opening to express it, and she will show you, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she most desires from you.

So it is with all of sex; all of sex often begins with a kiss.

Be aware.  Notice her opening.  Step into it.

Be aware.  Notice her contracting.  Step away from it.

Be aware.  When you have reached the summit of one peak, the next will arrive soon.  Relax and step back from the passion to gaze deeply and lovingly into her eyes before you enter the next valley, and approach the next peak.

Be aware.  Notice each and every breath, sound, touch, and embrace.  Let them be your guide, instead of your desire to get to what’s next.

What is next can wait.  You have all the time in the world.  You have to ask yourself: what am I doing this for; what am I creating; what am I building between us?

If your answer to these questions is “relationship and intimacy,” then you must allow the unfolding of her beautiful blossom to be your guide.  If you permit your desire for the next step to invade your heart, your cock, your mind, you will fail at the ultimate goal of building relationship and intimacy.

Your cock is your enemy here; ignore it.  Feel instead for the subtle sensation of her blossom opening to meet you.

Every woman, though she might loathe to admit it, desires a man who can read her mind.  The good news for you is that you don’t have to read her mind.  You need only to be able to read her body, her subtle, barely noticeable and barely detectable physical signals.  You only need to focus on that which you’re already focused upon: the intensity, pressure, pace, and movements of her body.

This requires, absolutely requires, that you release your goal of this going further.

Relax.  Let go.  Really feel with your entire body and being when, how and where she’s opening.  Step into that opening.  This is the dance: stepping into the opening that she creates, and then stepping back from that opening , ever so slightly, and awaiting her body signal to step forward again.

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One Response to “On Women and Sensuality”

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  1. Dave says:

    Thanks gain, e.b., for another useful essay.

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