Understanding Orgasm – Tension & Relaxation

The main issue I wish to address is the role of muscular and psychological tension and relaxation in orgasm, but before I do, I want to introduce two different types of orgasms.

Of course, there are many types of orgasms, but for the purposes of this discussion, I’ll be grouping them into two broad categories: The Genital Orgasm and The Deep Orgasm.  What do I mean by these terms?  Well, they show up differently in men and women, so let’s begin there:

orgasmic woman in ecstasyIn Women:

  1. A Genital / Clitoral focused orgasm, which is very pleasurable, focused primarily in the lower regions in or near the genitals, sometimes includes more “full body” effects such as shaking or shuddering body, sometimes is accompanied by involuntary noise-making, and is rarely ejaculatory.
  2. A Deep / Full-Body orgasm, which is usually substantially more pleasurable (women report to me between 2 times and 100 times more powerful than the Genital Orgasm), focused throughout the entire body, almost always includes more “full body” effects such as shaking or shuddering body, almost always is accompanied by involuntary noise-making, and is often potentially ejaculatory.

In Men:

  1. A Genital focused orgasm, which is very pleasurable, focused primarily in the lower regions in or near the genitals, only rarely (unless the man is practiced in the arts of sexuality) includes more “full body” effects such as shaking or shuddering body, sometimes is accompanied by involuntary noise-making, and is almost always ejaculatory.
  2. A Deep / Full-Body orgasm, which is usually substantially more pleasurable (men  report to me between 2 times and 100 times more powerful than the Genital Orgasm. I would personally say 20 times better), focused throughout the entire body, almost always includes more “full body” effects such as shaking or shuddering body, almost always is accompanied by involuntary noise-making, and is only rarely accompanied by ejaculation.

In both men and women, the methods used to achieve each of these very different experiences remain quite similar. So when a man and woman are engaging in sexual activity together, the same activities are likely to bring both of them to either the Genital Orgasm, or bring both of them to the Deep Orgasm.

Unfortunately, in Western nations where sex is often repressed or at least not often talked about openly, and certainly rarely educated about, what we learn to do almost always only leads to the Genital Orgasm. A Genital Orgasm is quite easy to achieve by comparison to a Deep Orgasm. We see the techniques that lead to Genital Orgasm demonstrated in movies, in pornography, and in our comedic representations of sex. Whether or not a person has ever had an orgasm, most people at least understand some of the ways to achieve a Genital Orgasm, simply from watching popular media, or from their friends.

The Deep Orgasm is mysterious to many. People spend years seeking the experience, and the problem is that the way to reach one is counter-intuitive. It requires a kind of impulse-denying mechanism to reach one. Many of the things the human body naturally seems to want to do during sex, and many of our most common human psychological blocks, actually get directly in the way of achieving this type of orgasm.

My advice for achieving orgasm will thus be grouped into two totally different and often contradictory sets; one for the Genital Orgasm, and one for the Deep Orgasm.

How to Achieve Genital Orgasm

Most men have figured out how to have this type of orgasm through masturbation, so my advice will mainly be targeted at pre-orgasmic women. The same techniques, however, may be used by men to achieve similar results.

  • Breathe: Remember to breathe while engaged in sexual activity, including while masturbating. There is a natural tendency to hold the breath at the end of an inhale while masturbating, and sometimes also at the end of an exhale. Allow the breath to be continuous.  When the breath fills the lungs, do not stop, continue to exhale immediately, and when the breath empties the lungs, do not stop, continue to inhale immediately.  Always keep the breath moving.
  • Relax – Tense – Repeat: Allow the muscles in your body to move rhythmically, alternating between tension and relaxation.  Focus much of this tension and relaxation in the muscles nearest to the genitals: the abdominal muscles, the buttocks and the thighs.
  • Make Sounds: Sound will always help you have a deeper and more powerful sexual experience, whether you’re looking for an orgasm, or just pleasure, and regardless of the type of orgasm you want.  This one tends to be most difficult for people, of all the advice I’m going to offer here.  People are self-conscious about how they sound, and even worse, afraid someone will hear them when masturbating.  Learn to be okay with your sounds, and to express them fully.  Make the sound of how you feel in the moment, as distinct from a performance sound to turn on your partner.  This is not about turning him on – it is about expressing how you are feeling in your body and emotions in the moment.
  • Feel Yourself: Be both physically and emotionally present to what you are feeling.  What does that touch feel like?  What would that feel like somewhere else?  Where in your body are your emotions and what are they doing in the present moment?
  • Be Present: If you are alone and fantasizing, be present to yourself, to your emotions, to your sensations, to your sounds, and to your fantasy.  If you are with a partner, throw out any fantasies and be present to your partner.  Gaze into his eyes.  Give yourself permission to look at whatever you want.  Be present to what you want in the moment, and go for it.
  • Tense Before the Orgasmic Wave: When you feel yourself building toward a peak of pleasure, tense the muscles in your core: the buttocks, abdominals and thighs.  Inhale deeply and briefly hold your breath, only for a few seconds.  On the exhale, release all the tension and allow the orgasm to come over you.  You may need to repeat this step a few times, depending on how “high” your wave is, and how much “pressure” is built up behind the wave.

If you follow these techniques, even it if does not happen the first time, it is likely you will soon reach orgasm.  Sometimes it takes practice.

One of the most important parts is to become comfortable with yourself, your sexual sensations and emotions, and your expression of your sexuality.  Give yourself permission for it to show up however it shows up.  There is no right or wrong way to sexual pleasure.  Allow yourself total freedom in expressing the way you feel, and in doing what you want to do.

How to Achieve Deep Orgasm

This is the type of orgasm that remains shrouded in mystery for most people, even after many thousands of years our species has lived on this planet.  It is precisely because a lot of the advice I am going to give is counter-intuitive, and because the Genital Orgasm is so much simpler and more intuitive to achieve that the Deep Orgasm has remained shrouded in mystery.  I aim to dispel that mystery, and break down the Deep Orgasm into some simple instructions that anyone can follow.

When attempting this type of orgasm, my advice is to take 4-8 bath towels and fold them in half (so they’re squares, rather than rectangular), and place them under you.  This is a precaution, as a woman is much more likely to ejaculate during this type of orgasm, and the towels make it “okay” to “wet the bed.”  The towels serve as a kind of permission slip to the woman: let go.

  • Breathe: Remember to breathe while engaged in sexual activity, including while masturbating. There is a natural tendency to hold the breath at the end of an inhale while masturbating, and sometimes also at the end of an exhale. Allow the breath to be continuous.  When the breath fills the lungs, do not stop, continue to exhale immediately, and when the breath empties the lungs, do not stop, continue to inhale immediately.  Always keep the breaths moving.When you find yourself nearing a Genital Orgasm, alternate your breathing.  Breath number one is a full, deep breath, filling and then emptying your lungs.  Breath number two is a shallower breath with hyperventilation (rapid and shallower in-out breathing).  If you are breathing deeply and fully, and nearing Genital Orgasm, switch to hyperventilation.  If you are hyperventilating and nearing Genital Orgasm, switch to deep and full breathing.Time your body movements with your breathing.  When you are breathing slow, full and deep, move more slowly and deliberately.  When you are hyperventilating, move more rapidly and chaotically.  This is like in yoga; time the breath and the movement together.
  • Relax – Resist Tension – Relax Deeper: Allow the muscles in your body to move rhythmically, only tensing in order to move.  Any muscle not involved in motion should be relaxed and open.  Your natural urge will be to tense with pleasure.  Resist this urge, and relax more deeply.  Every muscle not being used in the present moment should be completely at rest.
  • Make Connected Sounds: The same exact advice as for the Genital Orgasm, but emphasizing here the incredible power of being authentically self-expressed and in the present moment.  Make the sound of what you are sensing in the body and feeling in the emotions in the moment.Connect the sound to what you are being right now.  If what you are right now had a sound, what would it be?  Make the sound.  Make the sound as loud or as quietly as you feel it in the moment, without regard for how your partner or the people in the next room are going to feel or think about it.
  • Feel Yourself: Again, the same advice as for the Genital Orgasm.  Remember to stay present to what you are sensing in the body, and feeling in the emotions.  Notice how it changes and shifts from one moment to the next, and ride the wave higher and higher, like a surfer on the biggest and best ride of a lifetime.
  • Be Present: Again, the same advice as for the Genital Orgasm.  Remember to stay in the present, and not go off into your mind, or into thoughts about what is coming next, or what just happened, or what may or may not happen.  Notice what is going on inside you and through you in the present moment, and stay with that.  This is like being “in the zone” while performing music, playing sports or engaging in improvisational comedy.  Stay in the zone.  Don’t allow your awareness to drift off somewhere else.
  • Release and Relax Into the Orgasmic Wave: Unlike the Genital Orgasm, you want to avoid tension as much as possible.  For some women (generally not for men) it may be useful to bear down at the last moment before the Deep Orgasm, as if you were attempting to urinate.  First, try this orgasm without any bearing down, and see what happens.  Relax completely.It will be natural to feel an urge to tense up when you near orgasm.  Resist this urge, and instead relax fully and completely.  Surrender to the orgasm.  Let go.  Let every muscle go, and allow the Deep Orgasm to wash over you and through you.This may feel like “too much.”  The experience is very intense, and the amount of emotion and sensation is literally off-the-charts when compared to a Genital Orgasm.  It only feels like “too much” because you’re not used to it yet.  Relax, breathe, soften the muscles and the movements.  Soften the face and the voice.  Let go.  Surrender.  Experience true bliss.For women, you may feel as if you’re about to urinate.  This is not urination.  This is ejaculation.  If you have never experienced it before, ejaculation may feel the same as urination the first time it happens.  If you have experienced ejaculation before, you will always know the difference between how the ejaculation feels and how urination feels.  You do not need to stop to urinate; it is nearly impossible to urinate during sex, as the tissues in that area are too swollen to allow it to occur.  Keep going.  Relax.  Let go.  Surrender.  Allow yourself to ejaculate.  Even if it is urine, you have 4-8 towels under you to catch it.  Everything will be fine.  Let go, and surrender to the power of Deep Orgasm.

How do you tell the difference between these orgasms?

Once you have had both, you’ll know the difference every time, but here are a few indicators:

  • How long did the peak of pleasure last?  If only 10 seconds to 30 seconds, you probably had a Genital Orgasm.  If 30 seconds to 5 minutes, you probably had a Deep Orgasm.
  • How many waves did the orgasm have?  If only one, you may have had a Genital Orgasm.  If two or more, you may have had a Deep Orgasm.
  • Did the orgasm feel “typical” to you?  If so, you probably had a Genital Orgasm.  If it felt two times greater than “typical” or more than that, then you may have had a Deep Orgasm.
  • If you’re a man, did you ejaculate?  If yes, you probably had a Genital Orgasm.  If no, you probably had a Deep Orgasm.
  • If you’re a woman, did you ejaculate?  If yes, you probably had a Deep Orgasm.  If no, you probably had a Genital Orgasm.

A Final Technique for a Pre-Orgasmic Woman

If you are a pre-orgasmic woman, or your partner is a pre-orgasmic woman, you may wish to try this technique of pleasuring her in order to bring her to her first orgasm.

  1. First, you must learn what gives her the most pleasure.  Hopefully she has explored herself enough to know the answer to this question, but if not, you’ll need to explore her body using your hands, tongue, penis, and any other body parts that seem appropriate.  Find out what gives her the most pleasure.
  2. Second, tell her that as you pleasure her in this way that she most enjoys, she must relax completely. Tell her that if you feel her tense up, you will stop what you are doing and tease her until her pleasure subsides a bit.  Follow through on this promise.  Because it is natural to tense the body during pleasure, she will no-doubt tense up.  Each time she tenses her muscles, back off from her most pleasurable areas and techniques, and tease her until her breathing slows and she relaxes again, and remind her gently, “you tensed up, so I’m going to tease you now.”
  3. Third, tell her to always breathe.  Tell her that if you feel her stop breathing, you will tease her until her pleasure subsides.  Pay attention to her breath, and when she stops breathing, another natural response during sexual pleasure, follow through on your promise.  Gently remind her, “you forgot to breathe, so I’m going to tease you.”  Tease her mercilessly until she calms down and backs off from her pleasurable peak.
  4. Continue the above, and repeat, repeat, repeat again.  Repeat again and again until she says something like this, and you know it to be very authentically self-expressed: “PLEASE, DON’T STOP!”  Really wait for her to beg for you not to stop.  If she’s read this and she knows the code you’re looking for, make sure she’s not just putting on an act.  If she is putting on an act, you’ll hopefully detect that as her lover, and then gently remind her, “I think you’re putting on an act, so I’m going to tease you.”

If the woman in question is the more adventurous type, this can be an even more pleasurable experience by employing one or both of the two following variations:

  • Do this in a bed where there is a mirror on the ceiling so she can watch everything that is happening to her.  This will backfire badly on a very self-conscious woman, but will work wonders on a woman who is at ease with herself, so be careful in employing it as a technique.
  • Involve a little bondage in the experience.  Tie her to the bed spread-eagled, so she has less choice about her movements.  It helps in forcing the issue of relaxation, and adds a heightened sense of surrender for the woman who is comfortable with being tied down.

Final Notes

If you do not reach the type of orgasm you’re seeking the first time, keep practicing.  It is not always easy to reach orgasm, especially Deep Orgasm, and especially for women.  Don’t make yourself wrong for failing.  Keep practicing.  You will get there.

How you feel about your partner also has a great deal to do with it.  If you’re involving yourself in purely casual relationships, it may be more difficult to achieve.  If you’re diving in deep to truly intimate and authentic relating, then it may be much easier to achieve.

In either case, failure in the moment is not failure forever.  Keep taking it to new heights.  Keep surrendering to pleasure.  You will arrive at your destination if you remember to breathe, to relax, and to surrender to your feelings in the present.

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Understanding Orgasm – Tension & Relaxation, 6.0 out of 10 based on 19 ratings

7 Responses to “Understanding Orgasm – Tension & Relaxation”

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  1. Jack Morin says:

    Evan,
    This is very wise and helpful. I’m sure you realize that when people get into comparing orgasmic (or general pleasure) instensities, all rationality flies out the window. The truth is that small increases in orgasmic intensity can feel huge–which is good, because getting there isn’t so daunting. Your suggestions include this, but one relatively easy path to full-body orgasm is to go with the experience and deliberately continue any part of it that you can. For example, pick up the rhythm of your orgasmic contactions and keep them going voluntarily. Extend the sounds that naturally seek release. Keep the movements going. Then it’s easier to relax into orgasm without any effort whatsoever. But that’s not how we usually do it, so be prepared for a host of unusal sensations.–Jack Morin

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    Rating: +4 (from 6 votes)
    • e.b. sarver says:

      Thanks for the comment, Jack, and also for adding some of your own excellent advice. For those interested, Jack has written some great books. Check out his site for more great information about sexuality.

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  2. Kim Peralta says:

    Thank you for another magnificent article. Where else could anybody get that type of information in such a perfect way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I’m on the look for such info.

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  3. Reader says:

    I think your idea of using bondage on a pre-orgasmic woman is stupid! I have be trying for years to orgasm and can’t imagine anything more horrifying than being tied up and basically raped. That would definitely not help me relax. You cant force someone to relax by tying them up.

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  4. Another Reader says:

    Reader,
    He suggested that the bondage was for the more adventurous woman, not one who may take offense to sexual activity outside of what is normal for her.

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    Rating: +11 (from 11 votes)
  5. yojimbo says:

    Greetings guys and girls,

    Great to see more people exploring the depths of sexuality openly and happily.

    Anyway, with regards to men and deep orgasms, do check out the multi-orgasmic-man.

    http://optimisinglife.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/the-multi-orgasmic-man.pdf
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets/dp/0062513362

    Having spent time exploring meditation, and Eastern practices, I have found the Taoist practices to be very accurate.

    For men to begin their journey towards multiple deep orgasms, habitual deep abdominal breathing, and PC strengthening push pull contractions are very important.

    The pleasure from traditional genital orgasms pale in ‘comparison’ to deep non-ejaculatory orgasms, and the latter pales in comparison to what I will call a ‘Mind-gasm’.

    The journey from tense ‘uncontrollable’ genital ejaculatory orgasm, to riding the waves of tension, to crossing the peak and riding the waves of deep non-ejaculatory tension, to just pure bliss of ‘mind-gasms’ through breathing alone, is definitely a worthwhile journey.

    Enjoy, be patient, and explore!

    Miles of smiles,
    jimbo

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  6. Liz says:

    Great advice and if you love and trust your partner and they love and respect you, light bondage only increases pleasure. Between 2 lovers there is only the desire to bring joy not pain. If your lover would make you feel raped they are clearly not right for you.

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